Friday, January 15, 2010

It hurts.

    My gf met her favourite ‘BABA’ today. I knew that after that things are going to become even worst as I was always expecting this to become worst though was hoping for it. And her 1st text came in saying she feels like crying again but she doesn’t wanna cry. Felt the stab already but tried to endure it and just went on till she called me.

    She started crying and I knew it was me. Talking to me was painful for her. What can I do? I needed her. I didn’t mean for things to be like this. Really! But yea prolly none would trust me but that’s the truth whether wanna believe me or not. I was very attached to her. No, too attached to her.

    It’s not easy for me to deal with everything and I know that her friends and herself would have told her that try to contact me lesser to cope with it and I had to accept it. But I was really stupid by asking her back straight away that she misunderstood me. Yea she thinks I treat her like trash!

    That’s the worst ever thing I could have got accused off. She was like my guardian angel, my baby, my bestie, my friend and like how I always felt my wife. She meant the world to me. To be said that I treated her like that, no no I already felt like I wanted to faint already then she was just asking me to let her go and contact her lesser.

    I have to. But at the same time I am gonna try to cope with depression and everything else that comes together. I wanna win her back but will she be there then? That’s the most scary thing. I’d bravely say that my heart wont budge from her but I can’t expect the same thing from her, no? She has her own rights to choose what she wants.

    With much heart pain I leave things wishing I could practically bash my ownself up for throwing it away. I am lost now. No place to whine, no place to hide, no one to run to when I felt hurt or anything, practically I feel alone. I suppose this is what they wanted me to be like. I always had a phobia of being alone but at the moment that’s all I have.

    Yet still she’d always be my everything though it’s over at the moment. I wonder what I could do when I need her so badly. Told her that I won’t cry too much. But I feel like I wanna break down so badly. I love her so much and I know that she loves me too. She cares for me just that she doesn’t know whether she can trust me again or not. That’s why she wants to break up.

    I understand how it is. I been through that. It’s painful to even make such decision. I really want her back. I need her. I would do whatever I could to earn her back. I love her and she is all I want. I could sound pathetic or anything but it least concerns me. I love her and I don’t care being pathetic or what to admit it.

    Hoping to find the strength to breathe atm. Every breath I take is painful and everything reminds me of her. Ok I think I’d better stop for now. So yea, hopefully I could find some more courage to write about how things are going. Till then.

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It hurts.

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